I just pynch a tree in the face
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
