Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
