smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
