He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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