put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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