I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
