I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
