from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
