oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize