Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I am one with the molecules
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
