so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
