i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize