Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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