Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
