did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
