You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize