Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
