Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
