I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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