he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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