1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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