My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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