I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
