Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
