Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
false alarm, still single
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
