he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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