i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
