There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
