after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
