I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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