there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Everclear isn't food dammit
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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