I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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