He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
