I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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