I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
