I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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