I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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