I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
