If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize