he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
