Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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