alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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