I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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