My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
