my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize