while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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