i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
