My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
