remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
