I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
