i was born a porn star she said
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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