i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
