Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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