I faked an abortion last night.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
