maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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