I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
