We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
