i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
