I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
