this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
