The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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