Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
