Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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