Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
