stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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