you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
